User blog comment:Aniforce/Japanese lyrics by foreigners/@comment-11501835-20190206232553

I've briefly looked over your song here: https://vocaloidlyrics.fandom.com/wiki/%E6%B0%B8%E7%9C%A0%E3%81%AE%E4%B8%96%E7%95%8C%E3%81%B8_(Eimin_no_Sekai_e)

I really admired your effort in composing in such a poetic tone, and to be frank, while the JLPT tests merely grade grammar and sentence structure, poetic or beautiful Japanese isn't a thing in that and I would find you much more adept in that regard, more so than the technicalities of Japanese.

With that factor in mind, I hope you don't mind me with criticisms of not only grammar, but also nuances and word choosing as well.

The first line, 黒煙に包まれてて, is informal. It's conversational, and is not meant to be a lyric.

The overlap in characters in the next line 黒雲で覆われた空の下で of 黒 doesn't really flow well, especially when the first line (a participle) has nothing to attach itself to. Yeah, the black smoke is wrapped, but wrapped around what exactly? If you wanted the "Black smoke" to be a compliment of the "Black smoke", I would rephrase everything to something like this:

黒煙に包まれた (Wrapped in black smoke are the)

暗雲が見舞う空の下で (Darkened clouds frolicking about the skies above us)

It should be mentioned that 覆う implies "fully covered", in which case the illustration you used doesn't make sense. Therefore I replaced it with a more sporadic verb.

Fourth line, 命を僕らは救おうとしてる is technically correct, but the verb "save" in Japanese isn't used for oneself. You don't "save" yourself. If you mean salvage or cling on to life, then you can use 命に僕らは縋ろうとしてる'''. '''If you insist on the verb, then you can omit the pronoun altogether and end up with 命を救おうとしてる. Whichever you prefer.

Fifth line, 地球は以前と同じになることができない, it's too rigid. 以前 is equivalent to "Prior", and is only used as a formal word. Use 昔. Also, Japanese often does not personalize the unmoving. So instead of なることができない you would use なることはない. Time is seen as perpetually moving, so we do not "be the same as before", but we "go back in time". So it's もう昔に戻ることはない.

Sixth line, 冷たい手で空を掴んでる I've seen you list your translation as "emptiness" for the word 空. This is ONLY true if it's accompanying another character. For emptiness I would suggest 空虚 or 虚無. If you're trying to suggest a cold climate, use 冷め切った. It would sound more gradual and harsh.

全ての希望を捨てて永眠の世界への

最後の旅に出てゆく

Just a personal preference, but since it's already implied that you are journeying to eternal sleep, the second line loses its significance. Why don't you reverse the order to make up for a dramatic effect?

全ての希望を捨て去り、最後の旅に往く

永眠の世界へと

Twelfth line, 君と最期まで側にいたい. Another personal preference, but I would find it more romantic (at least in Japanese) if it said "I want you to stay with me" rather than "I want to stay with you".

Fourteenth, 帰還不能限界点をもう. Unless this science-y rigidness is deliberate, I would work on the expression. If you are alluding somewhat to something like the polar explorations, then hat's off to you, it sounds really cool.

光に向かって行っていた

心の中に闇しかないのに

This contrast makes no sense to me. Isn't the second line supporting the actions of the first (Because your heart lacks light, you yearn for light in the distance)? Also, 向かって行っていた is repetitive. Use 向かって歩いていた.

Eighteenth line 終わらない宇宙の中で逸れている世界に. Awkward choice of verbs. 終わらない indicates "unfinished". Generally in Japanese a participle that is negative (helpless, endless, boundless) isn't really strong, so negate the concept entirely: 終わりがない・終わりを知らない宇宙の中

Furthermore, はぐれる is a weird word to use here. It's as if the Earth (World?) deviated from a route that it had before, or got lost after being with friends. Use the word "wander", which is 彷徨う（さまよう）. If you want to indicate loneliness, use 独り彷徨う世界. It's really poetic.

黒い涙を流して膝に落ちて下がる Wrong use of verbs. It's ひざをつく.

黒い空を切っている The verb 切る is almost always too vague to express what it means. Use 切り裂く or 割る.

ねえ、これは終わりの？Grammar mistake, it's 終わりなの？Furthermore, if you want to say, "Is this the end?" as to indicate "Is it ending now?" then use これで終わりなの？ It's more natural, but if you wanted to really say "Is this the end?" as in "Is this what we call an end?" then use これが終わりなの？

この手を離さないでほしい Replace この with その.

あたしは君がいて嬉しい Be more endearing, use いてくれて

Overall, I would say you aren't making use of the richly available compound words that the English language isn't capable of, because those compound words are what makes up the Japanese language beautiful. Also, I've noticed you've tried to employ imagery and metaphor throughout your song, but it made the whole song very vague and the message you wanted to send wasn't very clear. To be explicit, I didn't know what the relation between the singer and the "you" was, neither did I know why they were on a mission to go to a world of eternal slumber. You've mentioned that it was God that gave you life, and you were trying to save it, but remember that the Japanese isn't really in on that God figure, and it's not enough to warrant a whole message. As it ended with a romantic end between the two characters, I would be more explicit about the love part if I were you.

If you want to have religious undertones, use a slightly archaic form of Japanese, if you can. For example,